New connections or stronger relationships?

Over the past 10 months, the progression of my recovery has been dependent on two major things: #1 Waiting for my damaged nerves to regenerate and form new connections and #2 Building strength in all the body parts that are functioning to compensate for the ones that aren’t.

Among many damaged nerves, the biggest issue lies on the lack of feeling and movement in my feet and ankles. One of the biggest reasons I cannot walk without a supported device is that I don’t have complete dorsiflexion (ability to move the foot up) and plantar-flexion (ability to move the foot down). You need these movements to take normal steps. You also need your ankles to hold your balance while standing. My ankles don’t have that control; they are wobbly, and I’m beginning to get muscle atrophy from not using my calf muscles.

Waiting for this function to recover has been painfully slow. Although I’m getting subtle feeling back, like the top of my 2nd left toe, there is still a very long ways to go. In January 2017, I was able to move both ankles up slightly for the first time in 4 months. That following March, I was able to spread my left pinkie toe apart from the others. Although these are subtle breakthroughs, they present hope for more future recovery. However, at the rate I’m going, it feels like this can take over 20 years.

When I ask doctors if I’m ever going to feel or move my feet again, they respond with an “I don’t know.” Unfortunately, Western Medicine does not have conclusive answers when it comes to the recovery of Spinal Cord Injury. There is no cure to make the nerves regenerate faster. I’m told that I have to just wait and see what happens, and that there is no guarantee that it will ever happen.

That being said, I’m giving 90% of the credit to #2 for helping me get to where I am today in my recovery.

If I didn’t have the arm strength I gained, I wouldn’t have been able to lift my body up with crutches. If I didn’t have the hip and quad strength, I wouldn’t have been able to walk around with 1 crutch. If I didn’t have the abdominal strength I have now, I wouldn’t have been able to walk with a cane. All of the activities I do on a daily basis to get me through the day such as crawling on all fours, waddling, taking the stairs, even standing on my own head have been attributed to the build-up of every muscle, every crevice of my body that has always been functioning before and after my accident and saving my ass through this surreal part of my life.

My new gains have enabled me to go hiking through extremely steep trails. They have allowed me to surf beach waves and swim in the deep end of swimming pools. They have allowed me to continue my yoga practice and adjust other bodies as a yoga teacher. I can ride a bike (although clumsily when starting and stopping). I am making the most out of life and enjoying the thrill of every moment, because even though sometimes I feel like Mr. Potato Head with missing body parts, I still have so much that is working.

No, I am not losing hope in the redevelopment of connections in my feet, ankles and calves because I do believe there are answers out there that Western Medicine has not yet solved. But in the meantime, I will continue to strengthen those connections that have never lost sight and have always had my back.

Finding my gold in the darkness

Hello! Welcome to my new blog. This is my first post. Thank you all so much for reading.

I want to invite you all on my journey of healing and recovery. My intention is to keep everyone updated with my progress, describe the different therapies I’m doing and share my triumphs and obstacles of every day life.

As many of you might’ve read or heard, I broke my back last year resulting in a spinal cord injury at T12, which has affected my ability to walk normally (you can read more about my prognosis by clicking the “My Injury” link on top).

Back in September, I began walking with a flexible walker two weeks after my fall. When I returned to NYC from Thailand, I continued practicing with a walker until I was ready to give the lofstrand crutches a whirl.

I practiced with the walker and crutches every day with my physical therapists around and outside the hospital, Mount Sinai where I was living for two months. Meanwhile, my friends and family would take me outside the hospital and wheel me around bars, restaurants and clubs.

After my discharge date from Sinai in November, I was free to walk anywhere and everywhere with the crutches and I didn’t let anyone stop me. I began taking subways and buses by myself, crushing several flights of stairs and taking long walks through the park. I ditched the ugly hospital crutches and bought myself an ergonomic pair from Amazon that had cushiony handlebars and built-in flashlights and horns. I even blinged them out with LED battery lights that change colors.

Unfortunately those got destroyed on a trip to Hawaii in January 2017. It was my first time vacationing since my accident. I went in the ocean with them and the battery of the horn started malfunctioning. Too bad they aren’t waterproof. Wearing my customized leg braces, I hiked up part of Napali Coast State Park and a much steeper path, the Kalalau Trail.

A few months ago, I said goodbye to one of my crutches. It was a difficult switch but I knew it would get me closer to where I want to be, which is walking without any supported device and eventually running.

I later replaced the 1 crutch with a cane, which gives me much less support and stability. I’m no longer crutchy- I’m caney.

I’m currently in my 5th week of training to become a yoga teacher. Since I need to touch something in order to hold my balance – even with just my pinkie finger –  I find the wall useful for a lot of the standing postures, such as Warrior One. I learned to modify all the yoga poses in order for me to receive the same experiences and sensations I’ve always gotten from them.

One of my biggest concerns of the teacher training was modifying the poses of other students. I neglected using my cane or crutches to get around the studio because they take up too much space in the tight crevices of yoga mats and I wanted to be totally hands-free. When walking inside an apartment or house, I usually waddle without holding onto anything by dragging my feet across the floor. But I can only do that in situations where I hardly need to lift my feet off the ground.

Depending on the space and the amount of students who attend class, I’ve been finding it manageable to adjust people’s poses while walking on my knees, crawling, scooting and sometimes waddling if there’s enough space. I’m finding mutual comfort in sharing the mat with other students when necessary.

Despite everything I’m going through physically, mentally and emotionally, I’ve found comfort and peace in having the ability to do almost everything I did before my accident. By choosing to have sovereignty over my own life, I’ve continued to follow my passions and make them work with my circumstances.